Ok, I admit it. I’m divorced. As I looked back at what went wrong in my marriage, I realized several things that I should’ve thought about before getting married. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. Lucky for you, I’ll share what I learned so you can profit from my mistakes…
Marriage is considered a major life event (for most, but not all, apparently), primarily because deciding to get hitched is meant to be for a lifetime, and because it’s associated with intense planning. Since a wedding requires so much forethought, it’s easy to assume that brides and grooms have given as much thought (if not much more!) to preparing themselves for their lifetime commitment. Amazingly, this is not always true.
Unfortunately, the current divorce rate is holding steady at fifty percent, thanks to this lack of personal preparation.
Then again, life is a glorious series of events, some larger and more important than others, and it’s normal to look back on those events and wonder, “If I could do it all again, what would I do differently?” So if you’re already married, don’t worry — these tips can still be put into action. The most important thing is not to let any more days go by without doing what you can to ensure that your relationship will last.
Take time to consider the importance of the following — before it’s too late:
1. Eternal Bliss
Make room for reality, sister, because here it comes and it’s looking for a place to take up residence. Your relationship may seem like perfection right now, but eventually the rainbows and butterflies will diminish, and the euphoria of being-in-love will disappear! In fact, in the US the average honeymoon period lasts only 6.7 months. Yikes! Now, it’s only natural that the fuzzy feelings fade; but by knowing that this change is inevitable, you can better prepare for this transition and not question whether getting married was a mistake.
2. “I’m sorry – so sorry!”
Forgiveness is a biggie. It’s never too late to apologize. This heartfelt act has is a sign of strength and maturity. You may have the memory of the hurt you inflicted, but keep reminding yourself that it has been reconciled; the pain of the memory will eventually dissipate. Don’t forget: forgiveness is also for yourself, not just for the other person. Some relationship experts say that you should apologize even if you don’t think it’s your fault, just to make your spouse feel better and to avoid a fight.
3. Money, money, money…muh-nee. Money!
Did you sing it? I love Donald Trump and The Apprentice, because I know there is always more to be learned when it comes to finances. Find a great financial planner, because for married couples money is the number one source of contention and root cause of disagreements. A healthy approach to get on the same page with one another, financially speaking is to:
a. Decide how much, as a couple, you’ll give away
b. Decide how much you’ll put in savings
c. As accurately as possible, decide your total cost of living expenses
d. Come clean about any debt either of you have
e. Decide on separate or joint accounts, and who will be the keeper of the books
f. Agree that you’ll consult each other before spending more than $__ (an amount you both decided on)
4. S-E-X
It takes work and effort to get to know your spouse on an intimate level, and to learn what each likes when it comes to sexual fulfillment. The greatest comfort of sex in marriage is that married men are more likely to say they are satisfied than their single friends — or than they were when they were single. Commit to continually learning how to please each other sexually, just like you would’ve in the first few months of your relationship. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean sex should take a back-seat to the rest of life.
5. The Monster-In-Law
Oops — I meant in-laws! My mistake. Take the time to get to your spouse’s family and how they function and relate to one another. Be understanding and make a genuine effort to befriend your spouse’s relatives. It’s guaranteed it will be different than what you’re accustomed to, so figure it out early and start adapting appropriately.
6. Wait to Live Together
At the risk of sounding like a prude, living together has a down-side, statistically speaking. Food for thought: Couples who live together before marriage are less likely to actually get married, and if they do get married, they have a higher divorce rate compared to those who do not live together before marriage. Check it out for yourself – to each his own!
7. Thinkers vs. Feelers
Men versus women, blue versus pink. Recognize that men and women are different and they process things differently. Men are typically thinkers and rely on logic while women are typically feelers and rely on feelings. Learn to appreciate your spouse’s reasoning and try to understand it! And as I already mentioned, always be quick to apologize. You will end up laughing at one another rather than fighting.
8. I Heard You, But I’m Not Listening!
There is nothing more powerful than the art of listening (and it is an art!) Listening opens up a line of communication and understanding unlike any other action. Take the time to respond to your spouse by listening closely before thinking of your response, and see what kind of reaction you get. I promise it will be positive.
9. Speak the Language of Love
I’m not talking about learning French; I’m talking about learning your spouse’s love language! Think about what your spouse would say you do that speaks love to him/her. Does he feel loved when you spend quality time or cook for him? Does he feel loved when you kiss him or hold his hand? Does he feel loved by your words of encouragement and appreciation? Find the ways your spouse feels loved and do them — regularly!
10. Out With the Old, In With the New!
Avoid conflict by evaluating daily rituals and eliminating bad habits. Ensure there’s not something you’re doing that has become commonplace simply because your mom or dad before you did it. Just because dad came home after work and immediately poured himself a scotch and turned on the tube doesn’t mean you have to do it or should. If your mother was a nagger, it doesn’t mean you should be too! Talk to your spouse about things you both do that are annoying and make the adjustments.
11. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help
Counseling has somehow gained a bad rap in only being helpful for the criminally insane or truly troubled; but there is wisdom in seeking counsel of an objective third party to help resolve differences and give insight to our misunderstandings. We all need someone who can empathize and give us timely and wise relationship advice..
I would like to encourage you to take the time to consider and implement the above suggestions. As a divorcee now in my second marriage, I can testify to the encouragement and positive outcome of practicing what is being preached here! The important thing is to do whatever you can to stop the crazy cycles before they start… BEFORE you get married; and these guidelines will help do just that. Your marriage and relationship with your spouse will be the envy of friends and family alike when they begin recognizing the wisdom of your unspoken actions!
Sorry comes so easy at first. Until you’re in that stage wherein sorry becomes so overrated in marriage. I’m just being real here, because sorry was easily flung all over the place when I was happily married for the first few years. It all starts to be different once you’re just sick of hearing that word and certain issues can’t be cured by sorry. While it’s good to take note that sorry is a wonderful word at first but when it’s said too much– it stops having the same meaning. If you really want a happy relationship, make sure you meant every sorry and that you don’t repeat mistakes just because there’s a word SORRY out there that you can use.
I can really relate to this one.
One more thing that guys fail to realize is that our instincts are 99.9% right. They think that we get paranoid over nothing, but most of the time we can provide you with concrete facts on why we’re angry. Listen to us, not because we talk a lot and we’re entitled to that fact. But because we don’t always talk nonsense. Women address your faults because we want to work on it with you, not because we want to attack you. Marriage isn’t about pointing fingers anyway.
Men tend to be too complacent when you live together before marriage. I know there will be a lot of people who would say that it’s not true, but just like what the article said, to each their own.
Here I am, thinking that living together before getting married is a way to start testing the waters. But the truth is, it really isn’t. There’s something about being married and being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship that’s different on so many levels. Boundaries are different and even if you’re living together as bf/gf, it doesn’t mean that you two are supposed to share funds or any of that because it can become disastrous. If you really think of it, it’s just a matter of trying to figure out how that person is once you’re with him/her 24/7. But the rest of these ideas, you can’t test out in that level of relationship just yet.
Just a wake up call to those who think marriage is as easy as any other relationships. No, it seriously isn’t. It takes more than just a man to keep it all going and it takes more than just a patient woman to get it all together.
Yeah, don’t ever forget sex in a marriage. Your man will end up cheating.
That’s a little quick of a judgment.
I don’t want to be negative or anything, but there’s just something wrong about relationships that look like they’re surrounded by rainbows and glitters. I’m happy for them of course, especially if they really are happy. But a lot of relationships have that facade but it’s not their reality. Marriages can sometimes be like social media wherein they show other people how perfect they are but it’s not like that in real life at all. I’m talking from a friend’s perspective because they look like such a perfect family, but there’s a lot going on behind the four walls of their home. I don’t even want to get married anymore.
Oh my goodness, in-laws. Just an advice, especially for people who sometimes live with their in-laws. MOVE OUT. MOVE THE F OUT.
It’s the reality that most of us get scared about. The reality that there will be fights that are almost endless and that relationships isn’t just ups.?
Money is such a silent killer in almost all relationships. Even to those who are financially able, they could still find themselves arguing because of it. It’s unavoidable, really. The only solution that could avoid it is transparency. I’m glad that this article pointed out that if you’re about to exceed the discussed amount of money that you’re supposed to spend, let the other person know. It’s a simple thing but we always have this thinking that we can get away with the simplest things. But the thing is, what doesn’t matter much to us can matter to the other person a lot.
True, I can’t believe that a material thing can have so much power over something that used to be strong.