Ok, I admit it. I’m divorced. As I looked back at what went wrong in my marriage, I realized several things that I should’ve thought about before getting married. As they say, hindsight is 20/20. Lucky for you, I’ll share what I learned so you can profit from my mistakes…
Marriage is considered a major life event (for most, but not all, apparently), primarily because deciding to get hitched is meant to be for a lifetime, and because it’s associated with intense planning. Since a wedding requires so much forethought, it’s easy to assume that brides and grooms have given as much thought (if not much more!) to preparing themselves for their lifetime commitment. Amazingly, this is not always true.
Unfortunately, the current divorce rate is holding steady at fifty percent, thanks to this lack of personal preparation.
Then again, life is a glorious series of events, some larger and more important than others, and it’s normal to look back on those events and wonder, “If I could do it all again, what would I do differently?” So if you’re already married, don’t worry — these tips can still be put into action. The most important thing is not to let any more days go by without doing what you can to ensure that your relationship will last.
Take time to consider the importance of the following — before it’s too late:
1. Eternal Bliss
Make room for reality, sister, because here it comes and it’s looking for a place to take up residence. Your relationship may seem like perfection right now, but eventually the rainbows and butterflies will diminish, and the euphoria of being-in-love will disappear! In fact, in the US the average honeymoon period lasts only 6.7 months. Yikes! Now, it’s only natural that the fuzzy feelings fade; but by knowing that this change is inevitable, you can better prepare for this transition and not question whether getting married was a mistake.
2. “I’m sorry – so sorry!”
Forgiveness is a biggie. It’s never too late to apologize. This heartfelt act has is a sign of strength and maturity. You may have the memory of the hurt you inflicted, but keep reminding yourself that it has been reconciled; the pain of the memory will eventually dissipate. Don’t forget: forgiveness is also for yourself, not just for the other person. Some relationship experts say that you should apologize even if you don’t think it’s your fault, just to make your spouse feel better and to avoid a fight.
3. Money, money, money…muh-nee. Money!
Did you sing it? I love Donald Trump and The Apprentice, because I know there is always more to be learned when it comes to finances. Find a great financial planner, because for married couples money is the number one source of contention and root cause of disagreements. A healthy approach to get on the same page with one another, financially speaking is to:
a. Decide how much, as a couple, you’ll give away
b. Decide how much you’ll put in savings
c. As accurately as possible, decide your total cost of living expenses
d. Come clean about any debt either of you have
e. Decide on separate or joint accounts, and who will be the keeper of the books
f. Agree that you’ll consult each other before spending more than $__ (an amount you both decided on)
4. S-E-X
It takes work and effort to get to know your spouse on an intimate level, and to learn what each likes when it comes to sexual fulfillment. The greatest comfort of sex in marriage is that married men are more likely to say they are satisfied than their single friends — or than they were when they were single. Commit to continually learning how to please each other sexually, just like you would’ve in the first few months of your relationship. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean sex should take a back-seat to the rest of life.
5. The Monster-In-Law
Oops — I meant in-laws! My mistake. Take the time to get to your spouse’s family and how they function and relate to one another. Be understanding and make a genuine effort to befriend your spouse’s relatives. It’s guaranteed it will be different than what you’re accustomed to, so figure it out early and start adapting appropriately.
6. Wait to Live Together
At the risk of sounding like a prude, living together has a down-side, statistically speaking. Food for thought: Couples who live together before marriage are less likely to actually get married, and if they do get married, they have a higher divorce rate compared to those who do not live together before marriage. Check it out for yourself – to each his own!
7. Thinkers vs. Feelers
Men versus women, blue versus pink. Recognize that men and women are different and they process things differently. Men are typically thinkers and rely on logic while women are typically feelers and rely on feelings. Learn to appreciate your spouse’s reasoning and try to understand it! And as I already mentioned, always be quick to apologize. You will end up laughing at one another rather than fighting.
8. I Heard You, But I’m Not Listening!
There is nothing more powerful than the art of listening (and it is an art!) Listening opens up a line of communication and understanding unlike any other action. Take the time to respond to your spouse by listening closely before thinking of your response, and see what kind of reaction you get. I promise it will be positive.
9. Speak the Language of Love
I’m not talking about learning French; I’m talking about learning your spouse’s love language! Think about what your spouse would say you do that speaks love to him/her. Does he feel loved when you spend quality time or cook for him? Does he feel loved when you kiss him or hold his hand? Does he feel loved by your words of encouragement and appreciation? Find the ways your spouse feels loved and do them — regularly!
10. Out With the Old, In With the New!
Avoid conflict by evaluating daily rituals and eliminating bad habits. Ensure there’s not something you’re doing that has become commonplace simply because your mom or dad before you did it. Just because dad came home after work and immediately poured himself a scotch and turned on the tube doesn’t mean you have to do it or should. If your mother was a nagger, it doesn’t mean you should be too! Talk to your spouse about things you both do that are annoying and make the adjustments.
11. Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help
Counseling has somehow gained a bad rap in only being helpful for the criminally insane or truly troubled; but there is wisdom in seeking counsel of an objective third party to help resolve differences and give insight to our misunderstandings. We all need someone who can empathize and give us timely and wise relationship advice..
I would like to encourage you to take the time to consider and implement the above suggestions. As a divorcee now in my second marriage, I can testify to the encouragement and positive outcome of practicing what is being preached here! The important thing is to do whatever you can to stop the crazy cycles before they start… BEFORE you get married; and these guidelines will help do just that. Your marriage and relationship with your spouse will be the envy of friends and family alike when they begin recognizing the wisdom of your unspoken actions!
I grew up surrounded by broken relationships and marriages and it hasn’t made me any smarter in terms of dealing with relationships. In my observation, a lot of people just drift away because of differences that they could no longer reconcile. I don’t think the 11 things here can easily fix that. Sometimes we just have to face the fact that somewhere along the road, you made mistakes and it can no longer be fixed. It can be as early as realizing that the partner you have at the moment isn’t the one you wanted to be with and it took you long to realize it.
Sometimes, marriage shouldn’t be over thanked about. Just let life follow its own course!
For those who are planning to divorce, consider the welfare of your kids. Don’t ever forget them. Maybe at least keep in mind that maybe you can sacrifice your whims for their sake.
Another effective way to keep your relationship strong is to keep in mind the vows that you’ve said. Couples say their vows like they mean it but most of them just say the words and not take it to heart. It’s just like any other oath that we’re forced to say. These vows are meant to strengthen the relationship no matter what. That it’s asking both of you not to jump ship even if you had all the reasons to do it. Marriage is finding one reason to stay even if you’re given thousands of reasons not to. Relationships end because they fail to realize that as husband and wife, they’re supposed to endure all the hardships in life together. Not only that, they’re supposed to move past it.
Yes, exactly. They’re not supposed to give up.
I wish I’ve known this earlier as well. I’m already divorced.
Being married doesn’t mean both your lives merge. It only means that you’re two individuals who decide to live together and love each other for better and for worse. Don’t merge your social lives, don’t merge your social media accounts, don’t merge your bank accounts either. While it’s good to do things together and make it a group effort, don’t forget that the two of you still have to grow individually. You have to work together but it doesn’t mean you’re going to be together in one task.
This is one thing that most people forget until they start feeling suffocated by each others’ presence.
I hate the thinkers & feelers part. I don’t think it’s even accurate to say that men just think and not feel. They just differ in terms of how they understand your point of view. It’s more like: Men think in black and white, and women think in all colors of the rainbow. I’m saying this because I disagree that the way my husband and I argued is mostly because he failed to understand all my sentiments and he labeled most of it as irrelevant, mostly because it didn’t matter to him as much as it did to me. He felt the emotions, but it wasn’t as wide-ranging as mine. That’s where all the misunderstanding came.
We should really stop saying stuff like, “What? This is how my mom does it!” You’re not your mom!
Foundations of marriage: 1. Love 2. Respect 3. Communication ?
Yes, 100% agree!
I’d hate to put this idea across, because a lot of people would think it’s so negative and it’s not the best advice out there. But ladies, make sure that your man puts in the same effort as you. Why? Because you’ll end up feeling really disappointed.