Open and honest communication is one of the keys to a satisfying sex life—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. It can be embarrassing and nerve-racking to tell your partner what you really want, especially if the relationship is just a casual one. But the rewards are worth the temporary awkwardness, so I’ll help you get there.
Defining Needs, Desires, and Fantasies
Before you can express what you want, it’s important to understand the difference between these three concepts. Here’s how I see it… A sexual need is a physical or psychological requirement for your well-being. This can include the needs for security and affection as well as sexual release on a physical level. A sexual desire is something you wish or hope for but are able to live without, such as an emotional connection with your partner or having sex more often. Finally, a sexual fantasy is a mental image or scenario that turns you on but isn’t necessarily something you’d want to go through with in real life.
HOT TIP: On a piece of paper, make three columns labeled “needs,” “desires,” and “fantasies,” and fill in each one. You’ll have a clearer idea of what you want and need, which will help when it comes time to open up to your partner.
When to Tell Him Your Fantasies
People often ask me, “How long into a relationship should I wait before telling my partner about my needs/desires/fantasies?” Every situation and relationship is different, but here’s a general guideline. Your basic needs should be met from the first encounter—including one-night stands.
If you’re having sex with someone, you absolutely deserve to feel safe and secure. And if you need some kissing or cuddling to enjoy a sexual encounter, then by all means express that need. This isn’t a business transaction; it’s the most intimate human activity, so don’t be embarrassed. If your partner can’t fulfill your basic needs, you should find someone else to have sex with.
Sexual desires can be expressed in the early stages of a casual or long-term sexual relationship. Within the first few weeks, you should be able to tell your partner that it’s hard for you to achieve orgasm in the missionary position or that having your neck kissed turns you on. As the relationship progresses, you should be able to openly express all your sexual desires to your partner, even if it means telling him that his technique doesn’t work for you or that you aren’t satisfied with how often you have sex.
As for your deepest, darkest fantasies, you might need to wait a little longer to let them out into the open. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about kinky or unusual scenarios, but it’s possible that your partner will be surprised or even shocked and won’t understand or accept them right away. So it’s usually best to build a solid foundation for the relationship before pulling out the big guns.
How to Express Your Desires
Even for the most confident and outgoing person, expressing sexual wants can be intimidating. Here are a few tips and tricks to help it go smoothly.
Pick the right time to talk: If you try to bring it up as your partner is dashing off to work, chances are you won’t get anywhere, and you may even end up arguing about it. Introduce the topic when you’re both relaxed and don’t have any other commitments.
Be open and honest: Even if you feel embarrassed and struggle to get your words out at first, stick with it. Say what’s on your mind in straightforward terms and be clear as to whether you’re discussing desires you hope your partner can fulfill or you’re just playfully talking about fantasies you don’t necessarily want to go through with. If you’re discussing fantasies, don’t approach it too seriously—have fun with it.
Be positive: Make sure to use optimistic and constructive words so your partner doesn’t feel criticized. For example, say, “I really love it when you go down on me. That swirly movement you do with your tongue is the best! Do you think you could do that the whole time you’re down there?” Or, “You turn me on so much, I feel like having sex with you all the time. We’ve just been so busy recently and haven’t had as much time as we used to. Do you think we could try to set aside more time for sex?”
Be patient: Don’t expect your partner to accept and embrace your desires and fantasies right away. If he reacts negatively, explain that you don’t expect him to want the same thing, but that you wanted to share your thoughts and feelings. Then leave it alone for a while and try to broach the topic again a few weeks later. Or your partner might be the one to bring it up again after thinking about it for a while.
Respect your partner’s wishes: If you’ve always wanted to have sex in a public place or a threesome with two guys but your partner says there’s no way he’d ever consider it, you might simply have to accept that some of your sexual dreams can’t be fulfilled. And while fantasies like threesomes, orgies, and watching your partner have sex with someone else can be a huge turn-on, going through with them could seriously hurt your relationship. Sometimes fantasies are better left in the realm of the imagination. Why not explore them verbally with your partner while having sex? The mind is a powerful thing, and discussing your wildest imaginations can be just as satisfying as bringing them to life.
Have an open mind: Now that you’ve expressed your desires and fantasies, you have to be prepared to listen to your partner’s. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that you’re on the same wavelength, but you could also be shocked by what your partner has to say. If so, try not to get upset or angry, and be honest about how you feel. Attempt to keep an open mind and take the time to think about what your partner has said.
Compromise: If you and your partner’s desires and fantasies diverge, try to arrive at a compromise. For example, if you like a little more variety than your partner does when it comes to sexual positions, agree to try a new position each month. Or if your partner would like to experiment with light bondage but you don’t feel comfortable being restrained with handcuffs, suggest using silk scarves.
How Much Sharing Is Too Much?
When it comes to fantasies, should you tell your partner everything? That’s up to you, but it can be a good idea to keep some things to yourself. If you’ve been fantasizing about the new neighbor or your partner’s best friend, you might not want to share that information—it’s a little too close to home and could hurt your partner or breed jealousy and suspicion. Having a nameless, faceless fantasy is one thing, but lusting after an attainable person is a whole other ballgame. Likewise, if some of your fantasies err on the dark side, use your judgment to determine whether it’s worth totally freaking your partner out.
Some couples have very open lines of communication and share every last detail—more power to you if that’s the case and you’re both happy with it. But keeping some information to yourself is probably the way to go for most relationships—it’s not dishonesty, but rather maintaining a little privacy and mystery.
Acting Out Your Fantasies
You’ve shared your wildest fantasy with your partner, and he’s willing to give it a whirl. So…now what? To ensure a positive experience for both of you, agree on the boundaries you’re both comfortable with before you get started. If you’d like to try a little rough play, find out how far each of you is willing to take it. While some gentle spanking might be fine, biting could be off-limits.
If you’re treading into role-playing territory, you might also want to choose a “safe word.” This is a word you wouldn’t normally say during sex, such as “elephant,” which indicates to your partner that you want them to stop what they’re doing. “No” and “stop” are bad safe words, as your “character” might say them as part of role-playing without really meaning them—as in, “No, Mr. Officer, I am not wearing any underwear.” You can also use words like “green” to mean “OK” or “harder,” yellow to mean “slow down” or “stop that action,” and “red” to mean “stop the scene.”
For any non-role-playing fantasies, open communication throughout is your best bet. Ask your partner how he’s feeling, if he’s enjoying it, and if he’d like you to do anything differently. Once you’ve ensured he’s having a good time, relax and enjoy the ride. After it’s all said and done, debrief together. Ask your partner what he liked and didn’t like, and tell him how you felt too. Hopefully it was a fun, exciting experience for both of you and you’ve expanded your sexual repertoire. If it was less than stellar for either one of you, decide whether you’re both willing to try it again in the future or whether it’s one for the history books.
I recently had a very stressful and uncomfortable conversation with my husband about this very topic. I was agitated for weeks leading up to it because I felt very uncomfortable saying what I wanted to say out loud. I’m very glad I did, though.
So you approached your husband about this? I’m assuming that you are the more adventurous one in the relationship? If I’m heading in the right direction… was it something super taboo? I can’t get my husband to even engage in anything besides the regular sex… Nothing I can do about that.
Yes, he reacted much better than expected. It actually really helped our relationship overall (and definitely helped our sex life!!) I think it’s always better to be honest and communicate.
I do like the idea of getting comfortable speaking out loud with your partner about these things.
I think it’s time to make my fantasies a reality.
Even the thought of sharing my fantasy has got me stressed.
I have fantasies that I’m not actually interested in indulging. We all have the right to a little privacy when it comes to our fantasies! isn’t it??
It’s okay to share some of your fantasies but it’s also worth mentioning that you don’t have to share every aspect of your private fantasy world with your partner.
starting out with sharing our fantasies has led me and my wife of 24 years down some interesting and delightful roads. As we began to share our fantasies and tried new things, we opened up to each other and became a stronger couple. But it requires trust and generosity. We have for a number of years now been in the swingers community here in Dallas. and have a large number of friends who share these ideas. It’s not for every couple, many are too selfish or insecure in their relationship to maintain this. But sharing our sexuality has opened new frontiers in ours. we love a good threesome, foursome or more-some.
I’ve enjoyed following this subject and all the shared comments like yours, it lifted my spirits. Puts me in a good mood to read about people who are so secure with their partner and themselves and can fully enjoy sex and sexuality. More power to you.
Couples should share as much as they’re comfortable sharing. Perhaps one of the biggest problems with relationships – especially the sexual part of them – is that people are hesitant to open up that much to one another, and the result is that there are things they will never realize (in the sense of “make real”) or experience because of that reluctance. Look, life itself is a gamble. There are no guarantees. You have to take risks every day. Most are small and calculated, and you don’t even think about them. And sometimes, things don’t always work out the way you had hoped. Oh, dear. That’s life. Take a chance, for god’s sake.
Very well said. Seems to me the one person you can share your deepest intimacies with, would be your partner. And to read how rewarding that is based on some of the other comments here is just the ultimate bliss to me. Can’t get any better than that, its true bliss.
Sometimes we have a fantasy specifically because it’s so different from how we would allow ourselves to act in the real world. But not every fantasy has a clear explanation, and the bottom line is that it really doesn’t matter as long as you are ready to discuss that with your partner.
One should always remember, fantasies don’t always overlap with desires.