Open and honest communication is one of the keys to a satisfying sex life—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. It can be embarrassing and nerve-racking to tell your partner what you really want, especially if the relationship is just a casual one. But the rewards are worth the temporary awkwardness, so I’ll help you get there.
Defining Needs, Desires, and Fantasies
Before you can express what you want, it’s important to understand the difference between these three concepts. Here’s how I see it… A sexual need is a physical or psychological requirement for your well-being. This can include the needs for security and affection as well as sexual release on a physical level. A sexual desire is something you wish or hope for but are able to live without, such as an emotional connection with your partner or having sex more often. Finally, a sexual fantasy is a mental image or scenario that turns you on but isn’t necessarily something you’d want to go through with in real life.
HOT TIP: On a piece of paper, make three columns labeled “needs,” “desires,” and “fantasies,” and fill in each one. You’ll have a clearer idea of what you want and need, which will help when it comes time to open up to your partner.
When to Tell Him Your Fantasies
People often ask me, “How long into a relationship should I wait before telling my partner about my needs/desires/fantasies?” Every situation and relationship is different, but here’s a general guideline. Your basic needs should be met from the first encounter—including one-night stands.
If you’re having sex with someone, you absolutely deserve to feel safe and secure. And if you need some kissing or cuddling to enjoy a sexual encounter, then by all means express that need. This isn’t a business transaction; it’s the most intimate human activity, so don’t be embarrassed. If your partner can’t fulfill your basic needs, you should find someone else to have sex with.
Sexual desires can be expressed in the early stages of a casual or long-term sexual relationship. Within the first few weeks, you should be able to tell your partner that it’s hard for you to achieve orgasm in the missionary position or that having your neck kissed turns you on. As the relationship progresses, you should be able to openly express all your sexual desires to your partner, even if it means telling him that his technique doesn’t work for you or that you aren’t satisfied with how often you have sex.
As for your deepest, darkest fantasies, you might need to wait a little longer to let them out into the open. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about kinky or unusual scenarios, but it’s possible that your partner will be surprised or even shocked and won’t understand or accept them right away. So it’s usually best to build a solid foundation for the relationship before pulling out the big guns.
How to Express Your Desires
Even for the most confident and outgoing person, expressing sexual wants can be intimidating. Here are a few tips and tricks to help it go smoothly.
Pick the right time to talk: If you try to bring it up as your partner is dashing off to work, chances are you won’t get anywhere, and you may even end up arguing about it. Introduce the topic when you’re both relaxed and don’t have any other commitments.
Be open and honest: Even if you feel embarrassed and struggle to get your words out at first, stick with it. Say what’s on your mind in straightforward terms and be clear as to whether you’re discussing desires you hope your partner can fulfill or you’re just playfully talking about fantasies you don’t necessarily want to go through with. If you’re discussing fantasies, don’t approach it too seriously—have fun with it.
Be positive: Make sure to use optimistic and constructive words so your partner doesn’t feel criticized. For example, say, “I really love it when you go down on me. That swirly movement you do with your tongue is the best! Do you think you could do that the whole time you’re down there?” Or, “You turn me on so much, I feel like having sex with you all the time. We’ve just been so busy recently and haven’t had as much time as we used to. Do you think we could try to set aside more time for sex?”
Be patient: Don’t expect your partner to accept and embrace your desires and fantasies right away. If he reacts negatively, explain that you don’t expect him to want the same thing, but that you wanted to share your thoughts and feelings. Then leave it alone for a while and try to broach the topic again a few weeks later. Or your partner might be the one to bring it up again after thinking about it for a while.
Respect your partner’s wishes: If you’ve always wanted to have sex in a public place or a threesome with two guys but your partner says there’s no way he’d ever consider it, you might simply have to accept that some of your sexual dreams can’t be fulfilled. And while fantasies like threesomes, orgies, and watching your partner have sex with someone else can be a huge turn-on, going through with them could seriously hurt your relationship. Sometimes fantasies are better left in the realm of the imagination. Why not explore them verbally with your partner while having sex? The mind is a powerful thing, and discussing your wildest imaginations can be just as satisfying as bringing them to life.
Have an open mind: Now that you’ve expressed your desires and fantasies, you have to be prepared to listen to your partner’s. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that you’re on the same wavelength, but you could also be shocked by what your partner has to say. If so, try not to get upset or angry, and be honest about how you feel. Attempt to keep an open mind and take the time to think about what your partner has said.
Compromise: If you and your partner’s desires and fantasies diverge, try to arrive at a compromise. For example, if you like a little more variety than your partner does when it comes to sexual positions, agree to try a new position each month. Or if your partner would like to experiment with light bondage but you don’t feel comfortable being restrained with handcuffs, suggest using silk scarves.
How Much Sharing Is Too Much?
When it comes to fantasies, should you tell your partner everything? That’s up to you, but it can be a good idea to keep some things to yourself. If you’ve been fantasizing about the new neighbor or your partner’s best friend, you might not want to share that information—it’s a little too close to home and could hurt your partner or breed jealousy and suspicion. Having a nameless, faceless fantasy is one thing, but lusting after an attainable person is a whole other ballgame. Likewise, if some of your fantasies err on the dark side, use your judgment to determine whether it’s worth totally freaking your partner out.
Some couples have very open lines of communication and share every last detail—more power to you if that’s the case and you’re both happy with it. But keeping some information to yourself is probably the way to go for most relationships—it’s not dishonesty, but rather maintaining a little privacy and mystery.
Acting Out Your Fantasies
You’ve shared your wildest fantasy with your partner, and he’s willing to give it a whirl. So…now what? To ensure a positive experience for both of you, agree on the boundaries you’re both comfortable with before you get started. If you’d like to try a little rough play, find out how far each of you is willing to take it. While some gentle spanking might be fine, biting could be off-limits.
If you’re treading into role-playing territory, you might also want to choose a “safe word.” This is a word you wouldn’t normally say during sex, such as “elephant,” which indicates to your partner that you want them to stop what they’re doing. “No” and “stop” are bad safe words, as your “character” might say them as part of role-playing without really meaning them—as in, “No, Mr. Officer, I am not wearing any underwear.” You can also use words like “green” to mean “OK” or “harder,” yellow to mean “slow down” or “stop that action,” and “red” to mean “stop the scene.”
For any non-role-playing fantasies, open communication throughout is your best bet. Ask your partner how he’s feeling, if he’s enjoying it, and if he’d like you to do anything differently. Once you’ve ensured he’s having a good time, relax and enjoy the ride. After it’s all said and done, debrief together. Ask your partner what he liked and didn’t like, and tell him how you felt too. Hopefully it was a fun, exciting experience for both of you and you’ve expanded your sexual repertoire. If it was less than stellar for either one of you, decide whether you’re both willing to try it again in the future or whether it’s one for the history books.
The important is you have the communication. Sexual desired are most of the time unusual, so it is important that you talked about it, before doing it.
Sexual fantasies are a perfectly normal, and healthy way to explore your own sexual identity, and they are not unnatural, and disgusting. It only becomes problematic when the person fantasizing starts to FORGET that they ARE fantasies, and try to make them “real.” Peace out.
I have my sexual fantasies, but as much as possible, I am keeping it for myself. It’s hard to tell, and I’m scared that my partner won’t be able to accept it, and it will just hurt my feelings.
It’s normal, but as long as your fantasies will not ruin your relationship, your partner will accept it soon. I’m pretty sure that your partner has his/her own fantasies too.
I once dated a guy who seemed pretty straight edge in bed. Our sex consisted of doggy style, missionary, and cowgirl, but I needed something more. I wanted him to choke me during sex. Auto-erotic asphyxiation had always turned me on but I felt embarrassed bringing it up. I didn’t want him to think I was super weird or feel turned off. My sexual fantasies felt like a vulnerability, a deep dark secret I didn’t want to share with anyone. But once I was able to articulate to him exactly what I wanted, I felt more sexually empowered and our communication felt stronger than ever. It also turned out that he had always wanted to try it too.
What if you had a fantasy, you tried it, it did not go well, and now you have no more fantasies?
I’ve spent a vast majority of my adult life always, always, always being honest yet delicate when trying to gauge a partner on some of my kinks, and it always ended badly because the women I was intimate with were just not into it, even though some of them tried. And my kinks aren’t even all that weird (light BDSM, panty/lingerie fetish, cosplay, group sex). And then recently I met someone who is completely interested in what cranks my shaft, so to speak, and at 38 years old, I finally feel alive … and I don’t know if that’s pathetic or adorable. I’ll have to ask her.
Josh — “not that weird”?? Really?? No offense, but I’m guessing that’s super weird for 90% of people.
Ew. Just ew.
“Be sure you want to do them.” Some fantasies play out way better in your head than in real life. And some are every bit as awesome as you imagine, too. But there are some fantasies that just do not live up to what one might imagine.
Married couples should share their fantasies or their desires. There is nothing wrong with it. If you share, you’ll find out your spouse’s delight or disdain. Otherwise, you’ll never know! Will it affect the relationship? Maybe. But that is exactly the point of being together in marriage. Unless we choose to live with lies, the relationship should be even stronger. Share your sexual fantasies.. find out now or never… not even on your death bed!
You’re right about that. The mind fuck is better than the actual fuck. Some fantasies take a lot of preparation and then they turn out right and it ruins the whole thing. Sometimes it’s hotter to just talk about it or watch someone else do it.
I agree, but I don’t like porn. It grosses me out!
I love these articles that boil down to “be a fucking adult”.
I recently shared my fantasies with my husband and I was careful in my word choices and how I said things. I didn’t want to say anything that was going to make him go on the defensive or feel inadequate. I spoke about what I was feeling and wanted to explore, making it not about us but about me. I also asked him questions about things he may not have shared that he’d be interested in.