In high school I had this delusional criteria of the perfect boyfriend- a rich kid who could manage to take me to dinners at the fanciest restaurants; a jock who’d make me the envy of all the other girls; and a bad boy with a heart of gold and a gentleman’s touch who’d sweep me off my feet and melt my heart. I was young and incredibly shallow.
A few epiphany-inducing lectures in philosophy, sociology and literature in college changed my perspective of what boyfriend material is. Back then, I wanted my boyfriend to be an intellectual, and of course, he had to have wit, charm, and looks…
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who deviated from the norm of strictly adhering to standards. I’ve heard of stories about women foregoing the ‘better catch’ simply because they’ve found the man they want to spend the rest of their lives with. The ‘better catch’ may have been financially stable or better looking. He may have possessed a stellar career and reputation. So why would you settle for anything ‘less’?
Why would a woman go for the average Joe when she could go home with the next big thing?
Simple, really.
Many people begin their quest for their lifetime partner in a naive fashion similar to my teenage experience. Others unconsciously do the same. But don’t get me wrong, though. A standard is there to weed out the bad and reveal the good. In fact, it’s the starting point. When you meet someone that doesn’t conform to your set of standards, you hesitate at first, thinking that he’s not for you.
If he’s successful in getting your attention, you decide on two things: to accept or to reject. Then there’s the third option people like me end up choosing, and that’s to give the relationship a try; or at least a second chance.
As you gradually mature and grow into the relationship, you will find that your set of standards has been evolving and will continuously evolve until the time. It ultimately becomes a mish-mash of characteristics, philosophies, dreams, and values that inevitably hold a higher place over material possessions and good looks.
At some point you may begin to understand that each individual is complex and inherently different from another and that not one person will fit all your ideals.
This is the time when you eventually come to terms with imperfection and the realization that everyone has flaws you have learned to accept. The man that has captured your heart has kept you in his arms simply because he’s himself – no ostentatious dates or extravagant presents. Just him, his tool box, and a box of chocolates and Kleenex on a bad day. There are many like him, it’s just that ladies are too busy giving security passes to “safe” men.
What happened to me is not unique. I met a man who didn’t meet my standards; but what’s special about it is that my relationship with him is one that continues to teach me to be independent without being alone. In the duration of our ongoing relationship, I have learned to be patient and to listen. I learned to appreciate the arts and how to fix, maintain, and repair things around the house. I learned to be humble and to be considerate of others. I learned to admit my mistakes and make up for them. All of these I would not have picked up from someone who had everything I wanted.
Who is my breaker of standards? He doesn’t drive a fancy car. He doesn’t play the piano or the sax. He doesn’t have a trust fund nor the face and body of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. He doesn’t have a butler because he can manage his own schedule and cook his own food. He drives a beat-up Mitsubishi Lancer. He plays the drums. He’s a middle-income earner battling his way to new opportunities. Most importantly, he’s the one who made me realize that standards are merely a set of basic criteria that hinders you from seeing and experiencing something more meaningful.
Love is all about accepting the person for who they are despite of their shortcomings. Most people deal with standards with exaggeration though.
I remember my mom always nagging me about how ugly she thinks most of my boyfriends are. She failed to realize that even if that was the case, most of them were actually decent people and they didn’t mean harm. Then a few years back, I dated someone who was good-looking, but that’s all there is. I think she was happy about that since she didn’t have to nag me about how ugly he looks… Long story short, I got pregnant and the good-looking guy dashed off. There were more stories in between, but I’m just going to say that he was the worst. I almost found it funny when my mom said that good looks aren’t everything. I actually knew that from the start, but I just really disliked the fact that she kept mocking my previous boyfriends about their physical appearances, when in fact they were better than the one who was good-looking. I guess it’s just a good thing now because I have a beautiful daughter.
Looks really aren’t everything. But I also think that your mom was wrong to even mock how a person looks. We should never judge people just because of how they look.
My ideal partner is my loving girlfriend. I would never say that I’ve settled for less just because she didn’t fit my ideal girl standards, she’s perfect for me.
There’s always a better catch out there. The question is, is he/she for you?
Sorry, ideal partners don’t exist. Your husband/wife will have flaws and will lack at a certain department, but LOVE is ACCEPTANCE.?
Yes! Acceptance! That’s the word.??
I agree that standards just hinder you from something better. However, standards and practicality are just there to guide you in making the right decision, kind of like being able to consider certain traits of the person, financial stability, family background, etc., but it doesn’t mean that you have to make sure that it’s 100% present or accurate. You will really be bending rules! Standards should just help you make smart decisions! I’m saying smart decisions because there are women out there who would literally want to marry Mr. Perfect and Mr. Right only to realize that the handsome partner they have is a cheater, or that he has violent tendencies. Make smart choices and let your standards lead you to the right person.
I don’t think it’s called settling for less. Sometimes, it’s just that you prefer one person over another because of certain aspects of who they are. Kinda like one personality trait creates a bigger impact to you over another personality trait. Both can be positive but yeah, it just weighs more.
Anyone can’t have it all. Our standards are mostly fantasy and we can’t live in reality if we’re stuck with our fantasies!
We can’t ever know if what we’ve found is the right person for us or if what we think as an ideal partner is even the right one for us. I think it’s not about the ideal partner anyway. I think it’s more on if the person is the right person for us. Anyone who is handsome, earning well, family oriented or all that jazz, won’t always be the person who we are meant to spend our lives with. As long as I could tolerate that person being annoying since we’re going to live under one roof, I’m fine. Also, as long as the person isn’t draining my bank account and his financial capabilities are good, I’m also fine. If the person turns out to be rich and is the kindest person ever, better. Love isn’t about standards, it’s about being the perfect fit for one another despite all circumstances.
The woman I married isn’t my ideal partner, but she’s the kindest person I know and she takes good care of our family. She may not be perfect, but who is? I still think she’s the best woman I could ever be with and no standards will get in the way of how I see her.