In high school I had this delusional criteria of the perfect boyfriend- a rich kid who could manage to take me to dinners at the fanciest restaurants; a jock who’d make me the envy of all the other girls; and a bad boy with a heart of gold and a gentleman’s touch who’d sweep me off my feet and melt my heart. I was young and incredibly shallow.
A few epiphany-inducing lectures in philosophy, sociology and literature in college changed my perspective of what boyfriend material is. Back then, I wanted my boyfriend to be an intellectual, and of course, he had to have wit, charm, and looks…
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who deviated from the norm of strictly adhering to standards. I’ve heard of stories about women foregoing the ‘better catch’ simply because they’ve found the man they want to spend the rest of their lives with. The ‘better catch’ may have been financially stable or better looking. He may have possessed a stellar career and reputation. So why would you settle for anything ‘less’?
Why would a woman go for the average Joe when she could go home with the next big thing?
Simple, really.
Many people begin their quest for their lifetime partner in a naive fashion similar to my teenage experience. Others unconsciously do the same. But don’t get me wrong, though. A standard is there to weed out the bad and reveal the good. In fact, it’s the starting point. When you meet someone that doesn’t conform to your set of standards, you hesitate at first, thinking that he’s not for you.
If he’s successful in getting your attention, you decide on two things: to accept or to reject. Then there’s the third option people like me end up choosing, and that’s to give the relationship a try; or at least a second chance.
As you gradually mature and grow into the relationship, you will find that your set of standards has been evolving and will continuously evolve until the time. It ultimately becomes a mish-mash of characteristics, philosophies, dreams, and values that inevitably hold a higher place over material possessions and good looks.
At some point you may begin to understand that each individual is complex and inherently different from another and that not one person will fit all your ideals.
This is the time when you eventually come to terms with imperfection and the realization that everyone has flaws you have learned to accept. The man that has captured your heart has kept you in his arms simply because he’s himself – no ostentatious dates or extravagant presents. Just him, his tool box, and a box of chocolates and Kleenex on a bad day. There are many like him, it’s just that ladies are too busy giving security passes to “safe” men.
What happened to me is not unique. I met a man who didn’t meet my standards; but what’s special about it is that my relationship with him is one that continues to teach me to be independent without being alone. In the duration of our ongoing relationship, I have learned to be patient and to listen. I learned to appreciate the arts and how to fix, maintain, and repair things around the house. I learned to be humble and to be considerate of others. I learned to admit my mistakes and make up for them. All of these I would not have picked up from someone who had everything I wanted.
Who is my breaker of standards? He doesn’t drive a fancy car. He doesn’t play the piano or the sax. He doesn’t have a trust fund nor the face and body of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. He doesn’t have a butler because he can manage his own schedule and cook his own food. He drives a beat-up Mitsubishi Lancer. He plays the drums. He’s a middle-income earner battling his way to new opportunities. Most importantly, he’s the one who made me realize that standards are merely a set of basic criteria that hinders you from seeing and experiencing something more meaningful.
Intellectual, philosophical sort, interested in theatre and ballet and Shakespeare. Reads voraciously. Calm and mild-mannered, but passionate (about whatever makes him feel passionate). Also very empathetic and compassionate. Giving, self-sacrificing. Loves nature, loves the outdoors. Loves boating. Loves dogs!
I like a guy who’s chill most of the time but when he cares about something it’s pretty evident. I want a guy who likes extreme sports (doesn’t hate on longboarders) and would want to see the X games with me, and is also more outdoorsy than I am so as to somehow convince me to go camping and hiking which I would gladly do but not by myself. He’s funny and a little sarcastic. He’s always telling me stories about his past and his day. He gets along well with my family and understands our dynamic. He doesn’t mind the noisy house or the fact that we don’t pretend to be perfect but we try to be exceptional.
I don’t know about “ideal”, because I tend to be pretty flexible, but these are traits that I look for in a guy:
intelligent
kind and sensitive to the needs of others
funny
passionate about something
believes in something more important than himself
able to deal with me disagreeing with him
consistent without being totally predictable
has a nice beard
older than me (for some reason I just can’t see myself ever dating a younger guy)
likes Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or at least a few of the nerdy things that I like
My ideal guy lives in a sort of middle ground. He can be forward when I’m unable to make a decision, but is still totally cool letting me be dominant in bed sometimes. He can match my intensity in a heated discussion, and still be my pillar when I fall apart. A prince for the family, an animal in the sack. Classy, but casual.
He has a certain level of intellectualism (some of which comes from his family, who he remains close to) and maybe even a bit of snobbery, but in a sort of dorky way, where he gets enthusiastic about things he cares about (like the mere idea of bringing back Firefly). He is either a programmer, or at least someone who knows enough about computers to know why my mouse isn’t working, and likely a gamer as well.
He may have problems with tact, but only around those he’s completely comfortable with, and even though we argue sometimes, I know this also means he’s more willing to call me on my bullshit. Still, he’s loyal and attentive, adventurous enough to try all the weird stuff at that hot pot place I like, and totally willing to eat the tomatoes from my burgers when I forget to tell the drive thru person not to put them in.
I like more “rough” guys – tall, strong (not necessarily muscley though), big hands, broad shoulders, some hair on his chest. I also really like dark hair and light eyes. Has to have a sense of humor, and open mindedness to music, be loving, caring, and cuddly at times. Bonus points if they’re sarcastic, have tattoos, and/or know how to work with their hands. I’m a lucky enough girl to have found a guy with every single one of those traits (and more!) and am currently laying next to him in bed 🙂
My ideal guy is hardworking, considerate, a smartass–can dish out some snark so I can throw it right back at him, affectionate, a bit on the sensitive/emotional side –maybe not outwardly but when he’s with SO/close friends, has gone through a particularly difficult time/event in his life.
I like shy, nerdy guys. Most of these are also liberal, like video games, and wear cute t-shirts…which are huge pluses.
Looks: Tall, slender, smart casual clothing, strong jawline, fit but not muscly.
Personality: Open minded, determined, empathy, creative, adventurous.
Views: Don’t really care what religion/political so long as it doesn’t restrict me at all, no prejudices whatsoever, wants kids at some point, career-focused.
I just left a 5-year relationship also and ironically I am enjoying a relationship with myself now as well. I haven’t manifested my true love yet and I think it’s because I am not ready yet. I am still enjoying being with me! But thank you for giving me hope.
I am now in a relationship with the most amazing person ever existed in this world ❤ so grateful for what the amazing universe has gifted me with❤ send peace, love and blessings to everybody and remember that our dreams have already come true ❤❤