In high school I had this delusional criteria of the perfect boyfriend- a rich kid who could manage to take me to dinners at the fanciest restaurants; a jock who’d make me the envy of all the other girls; and a bad boy with a heart of gold and a gentleman’s touch who’d sweep me off my feet and melt my heart. I was young and incredibly shallow.
A few epiphany-inducing lectures in philosophy, sociology and literature in college changed my perspective of what boyfriend material is. Back then, I wanted my boyfriend to be an intellectual, and of course, he had to have wit, charm, and looks…
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who deviated from the norm of strictly adhering to standards. I’ve heard of stories about women foregoing the ‘better catch’ simply because they’ve found the man they want to spend the rest of their lives with. The ‘better catch’ may have been financially stable or better looking. He may have possessed a stellar career and reputation. So why would you settle for anything ‘less’?
Why would a woman go for the average Joe when she could go home with the next big thing?
Simple, really.
Many people begin their quest for their lifetime partner in a naive fashion similar to my teenage experience. Others unconsciously do the same. But don’t get me wrong, though. A standard is there to weed out the bad and reveal the good. In fact, it’s the starting point. When you meet someone that doesn’t conform to your set of standards, you hesitate at first, thinking that he’s not for you.
If he’s successful in getting your attention, you decide on two things: to accept or to reject. Then there’s the third option people like me end up choosing, and that’s to give the relationship a try; or at least a second chance.
As you gradually mature and grow into the relationship, you will find that your set of standards has been evolving and will continuously evolve until the time. It ultimately becomes a mish-mash of characteristics, philosophies, dreams, and values that inevitably hold a higher place over material possessions and good looks.
At some point you may begin to understand that each individual is complex and inherently different from another and that not one person will fit all your ideals.
This is the time when you eventually come to terms with imperfection and the realization that everyone has flaws you have learned to accept. The man that has captured your heart has kept you in his arms simply because he’s himself – no ostentatious dates or extravagant presents. Just him, his tool box, and a box of chocolates and Kleenex on a bad day. There are many like him, it’s just that ladies are too busy giving security passes to “safe” men.
What happened to me is not unique. I met a man who didn’t meet my standards; but what’s special about it is that my relationship with him is one that continues to teach me to be independent without being alone. In the duration of our ongoing relationship, I have learned to be patient and to listen. I learned to appreciate the arts and how to fix, maintain, and repair things around the house. I learned to be humble and to be considerate of others. I learned to admit my mistakes and make up for them. All of these I would not have picked up from someone who had everything I wanted.
Who is my breaker of standards? He doesn’t drive a fancy car. He doesn’t play the piano or the sax. He doesn’t have a trust fund nor the face and body of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. He doesn’t have a butler because he can manage his own schedule and cook his own food. He drives a beat-up Mitsubishi Lancer. He plays the drums. He’s a middle-income earner battling his way to new opportunities. Most importantly, he’s the one who made me realize that standards are merely a set of basic criteria that hinders you from seeing and experiencing something more meaningful.
Ideal partner? Hmmm let’s see…. thin/fit, dresses well, listens to punk music, very liberal and is a feminist, has artistic talents, cares about the world around him, smokes weed…
Someone who strives to be an optimal version of himself with a healthy balance approach to life. Work vs Family vs Play etc. Since I take care of my body, I like guys who work out, eat kale, read books, and nothing is sexier than someone who follows their passion. Since I am in film, my ideal mate works in the same industry I do, so we understand each other and the stress and enjoyment that comes with it. Also, I have zero debt and take care of my finances, nothing is more unattractive to me than a man who doesn’t save money, but again my ideal man budgets for playtime and gifts. 🙂 Balance in life makes me wet. There is a time for play, time for work, etc. Hygiene and clean clothes is really important too. If a man doesn’t honor himself, he probably won’t treat me well later on. Lastly, spirituality – my ideal man is a nice guy, who doesn’t criticize, judge, or condemn, honors the golden rule, and has an easy, congenial temperament.
My ideal dude would be caring, sweet, open-minded, adventurous, can joke around, loyal, a little nerdy or passionate about something. Must love good music. Liberal, but not blindingly so. I would prefer an atheist or agnostic.
The guy I’m with is actually my ideal, and that’s not just because I am with him. He’s tall (like, very tall. 6’8 in fact), has long, dark hair and a beard and strikingly blue eyes. He’s passionate about a lot of things and that’s a massive plus for me, and he’s extremely intelligent. I learn something from him every day, and he’s fantastic at science. We match so well, we’re both stubborn but about the same things and we have a very similar sense of humour and many similar interests. He’s the best around my friends, they love him too.
Physically: tall and wide, a bit muscular, scruffy and dark hair. Very bear-ish. Cuddly. Bonus for sexy forearms lol
Pesonality: goofy, a bit shy, loves to cook and takes care of me when I’m sick and makes me laugh when I feel like crap. Has a hobby that he’s passionate about. Plays video games and reads books. Great with kids. Respects me as a person.
I’m pretty nonplussed. I want someone I can enjoy looking at, have great sex with, and who has a life. Beyond that I’m not too fazed – I don’t really care specifically what he does or what he’s interested in, he just has to be a decent person.
For me it’s compassion and a sense of humor above all else. Maturity and independence — the latter both emotionally and financially. Liberal to socialist on the political spectrum. OK with silence and giving me space when I need it, as well as asking for what he needs and trusting that I’ll do my best to provide it. Makes me feel comfortable and calm and, above all, safe when I’m with him.
I like the emotionally available kind, who wants to hang around me just as much as I want to hang around him. The kind who initiates and reciprocates affection and makes me aware in any way he can that he likes to be near me. He wants to be with me, he doesn’t need me. Somehow choosing to be with someone is much more romantic and sexy to me than being with someone because you feel you need them.
Fit, dresses nice, is funny, can hold a conversation, brown hair, and is a sweetheart with goals. Luckily, my first guy meets all of those:) definitely a keeper!
Tall (6′ +), athletic but not weirdly jacked looking, has at least a bachelors degree from a respectable university, thoughtful, kind, adventurous, dresses well, sense of humor that compliments mine, not too serious, any ethnicity but conventionally attractive in the face, needs to be interested in playing sports/being active, white collar, interested in having a family, prefers monogamy, etc.