In high school I had this delusional criteria of the perfect boyfriend- a rich kid who could manage to take me to dinners at the fanciest restaurants; a jock who’d make me the envy of all the other girls; and a bad boy with a heart of gold and a gentleman’s touch who’d sweep me off my feet and melt my heart. I was young and incredibly shallow.
A few epiphany-inducing lectures in philosophy, sociology and literature in college changed my perspective of what boyfriend material is. Back then, I wanted my boyfriend to be an intellectual, and of course, he had to have wit, charm, and looks…
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who deviated from the norm of strictly adhering to standards. I’ve heard of stories about women foregoing the ‘better catch’ simply because they’ve found the man they want to spend the rest of their lives with. The ‘better catch’ may have been financially stable or better looking. He may have possessed a stellar career and reputation. So why would you settle for anything ‘less’?
Why would a woman go for the average Joe when she could go home with the next big thing?
Simple, really.
Many people begin their quest for their lifetime partner in a naive fashion similar to my teenage experience. Others unconsciously do the same. But don’t get me wrong, though. A standard is there to weed out the bad and reveal the good. In fact, it’s the starting point. When you meet someone that doesn’t conform to your set of standards, you hesitate at first, thinking that he’s not for you.
If he’s successful in getting your attention, you decide on two things: to accept or to reject. Then there’s the third option people like me end up choosing, and that’s to give the relationship a try; or at least a second chance.
As you gradually mature and grow into the relationship, you will find that your set of standards has been evolving and will continuously evolve until the time. It ultimately becomes a mish-mash of characteristics, philosophies, dreams, and values that inevitably hold a higher place over material possessions and good looks.
At some point you may begin to understand that each individual is complex and inherently different from another and that not one person will fit all your ideals.
This is the time when you eventually come to terms with imperfection and the realization that everyone has flaws you have learned to accept. The man that has captured your heart has kept you in his arms simply because he’s himself – no ostentatious dates or extravagant presents. Just him, his tool box, and a box of chocolates and Kleenex on a bad day. There are many like him, it’s just that ladies are too busy giving security passes to “safe” men.
What happened to me is not unique. I met a man who didn’t meet my standards; but what’s special about it is that my relationship with him is one that continues to teach me to be independent without being alone. In the duration of our ongoing relationship, I have learned to be patient and to listen. I learned to appreciate the arts and how to fix, maintain, and repair things around the house. I learned to be humble and to be considerate of others. I learned to admit my mistakes and make up for them. All of these I would not have picked up from someone who had everything I wanted.
Who is my breaker of standards? He doesn’t drive a fancy car. He doesn’t play the piano or the sax. He doesn’t have a trust fund nor the face and body of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. He doesn’t have a butler because he can manage his own schedule and cook his own food. He drives a beat-up Mitsubishi Lancer. He plays the drums. He’s a middle-income earner battling his way to new opportunities. Most importantly, he’s the one who made me realize that standards are merely a set of basic criteria that hinders you from seeing and experiencing something more meaningful.
Intelligent, clever, quick wit. Kind, loves animals, shares common interests, takes care of himself in the sense that he cares what he looks like and will clean up nicely when needed, has long term job prospects (isn’t serially unemployed or “between jobs”), is passionate about something, is loving, listens to metal and looks like a viking. 😛
Under 6’2″, hairy, beardy, dad bod but not fat, intelligent, likes video games, doesn’t smoke, drink, or use drugs (vaping is definitely ok), not more than 4 years older or 2 years younger, able to pick me up, doesn’t body shame me or anyone else, feminist, isn’t grossed out by body hair on a woman, likes adventures and roller coasters, will try new foods. That pretty much describes my new boyfriend.
Can I play even though I’m a lesbian?
If so, here is what I like:
Able to hold a conversation and not just say “mhmm” or “that’s how I feel too!” Being able to engage in a conversation, or even casually debate without becoming offended or getting upset.
Someone who has shared, but also a few completely different interests. That way we can talk about what we love, and she can teach me all about the things that make her unique.
Has to love music, as I live for it. As well as poetry, and books.
She either has tattoos, is going to get them, or doesn’t mind that I have them.
Dog loving, people person who can both go out and stay in. Adventurous.
As far as looks go I don’t really care. She can be taller than me or shorter. Long hair or short. Dark complexion or light. Freckles or wrinkles, big boobs or small. Doesn’t matter.
Thin but short. I’m small and don’t like to reach too far, because surprise kisses are fun. Sharp facial features and a prominent nose, glasses are a bonus. Has to be nerdy enough to enjoy my nerdy things (Pokemon, a bit of DnD, etc). Patient with my various silliness-es. Luckily my boyfriend is precisely my type, so I don’t have to look too far.
I like a slightly introverted partner who’s fast to laugh, slow to anger, and doesn’t hold a grudge. They should be nerdy enough that I don’t out geek the air on them, and possessed of a certain Moriarty-esque mind.
Someone who is passionate about something, intelligent, curious, active, silly, has ideas similar to mine, patient, good listener, empathetic, adventurous, likes to travel. Loves cunnilingus.
Necessary: Smart, funny, thinks I’m funny, good at the non-PIV parts of sex, no fragile masculinity nonsense, voice that doesn’t annoy me Perks: Approximately at my eye level, stocky, beard, deep voice.
Talented artist, who’s art I like. That includes a lot of things for me though, musician, painter, chef, mechanic, metal smith, you can be an artist of a lot of things, I just can’t be attracted to someone unless I find them brilliant at something I find appealing, and find an art. 99% of the time it has to be a physical art. For instance, I almost always find people who do a lot of work with computers fundamentally unattractive. I like physical skills. I’m a highly skilled, varied artist and work professionally in a metal foundry, and am a jeweler. If you’re not good with your hands and you can’t make impressive physical things- I don’t really understand you. I’m also quite sapiosexual. Aside from that I’m constantly surprised by what I find attractive. If you have a big brain and some crazy skills- I have a crush on you.
Kind, warm-hearted. generous, goofy, with a bit of a nerdy or artsy side, yet still a manly man. For looks, I always liked a man who dressed well for his body type, whether he looks like Channing Tatum or Jack Black. Must have an ass… The only thing I find physically unattractive in a man that I can’t overlook is a pancake butt. I never really looked at looks as a criteria. It’s more about how a guy works with what he’s got. There is nothing that kills my lady boner more than polo shirts and khakis.
Just want to say my husband was out of left field and I fell in love with him….we have been together for 38 very happy years. Don’t make your must haves a deal breaker.