Have you ever cheated? Been cheated on? Though to my knowledge I haven’t, I did strongly suspect cheating once, and let me tell you, that was the moment that defined the outer limits of my personal crazy! With such strong emotional consequences, it begs the question: why does cheating happen?
Are We Still Cave Men?
Infidelity happens for a multitude of reasons, but the most commonly cited are our cave-man instincts. You know, evolution. Because subconscious biological incentives to cheat exist.
When you get down to our barest subconscious motives, men have an incentive to cheat because it means leaving behind more offspring, and women benefit from cheating by pursuing what evolutionary psychologists call a dual-mating strategy. Basically this means that when a woman is able to get a man to settle down and invest resources in her (but still get action on the side), she is able to maximize both ends of her reproductive strategy (great genes for future babies, plus more resources to help look after them). Not to mention that this strategy also helps her secure a backup in case suitor #1 decides to run off with someone else.
Another fun fact: a literal sperm war (yeah, those little swimmers duke it out!) takes place when a woman has more than one man’s sperm in her uterus. I am not even kidding about this; there are whole books on it.
Cheating While in Love
Surprisingly, cheating isn’t always about escaping an unhappy relationship. Often people who cheat report having a happy or even a very happy marriage. If we’re not just reacting out of biological impulse (I’d like to think by now we’re all at least trying to rise above the lowest common denominator), and we’re also not seeking escape from an unsavory situation, then what’s going on here?
Apparently “love” is a very broad term. We tend to think of love as something that ideally encompasses a great sex life, romance and a healthy amount of attachment all rolled into one package when in fact, each of these motives developed independently of one another. So while it is possible for them to work together, they don’t have to. That’s why you can feel compelled to sleep with lots of people while at the same time truly having romantic feelings for one partner, and feelings of attachment for yet another.
Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?
There is some evidence that the inclination to cheat could be genetic as well. Some men carry one or two copies of a particular gene (the 334 vasopressin allele to be exact). Those who do show signs that often point to infidelity — things like low partner bonding, marital dissatisfaction and even marital crisis.
The problem with this kind of explanation is that a propensity for a behavior can be misconstrued as an excuse when that behavior occurs. So let me be clear: biology isn’t an excuse. After all, we are also genetically predisposed to exclude people outside our group, and this kind of in-group/out-group behavior led to slavery. So obviously genetic/biological does not equal moral!
Commonly Cited Reasons for Cheating
1. “We don’t have anything in common.”
The more different you and your partner are, the more likely one or both of you will cheat.
2. The relationship isn’t going well.
Okay, okay–I know I just said that a lot of times cheating happens in seemingly happy relationships, and that is true. However, being unsatisfied in a relationship increases the likelihood of cheating. In this scenario, women are more likely to cheat in order to establish a new relationship (and escape the old one), whereas men are more likely to cheat for the thrill of the moment without future plans.
3. The cheater’s environment is littered with temptation.
Some situations lend themselves to more temptation than others. Working around attractive people, especially where the male-female ratio is skewed in the cheater’s favor, creates a likely backdrop for cheating. Work that requires lots of one-on-one interaction, touching and/or personal disclosure also makes cheating more likely.
4. They are prone to it.
Sadly it is true that some people are more prone to cheating than others. I mentioned the so-called cheating gene above, but there are other factors that make one person more likely to cheat than another. Sorry guys, but by virtue of your higher levels of testosterone, as males you are more likely to cheat. People who are more open-minded are also more likely to cheat, as they tend to have a more fluid perspective on this and all matters. Finally, people who are less sympathetic, less eager to please and less aware of how their actions impact others (AKA narcissists), are more likely to cheat.
Read more on this: 12 rationalizations that cheaters use
Next up: How to prevent cheating in your relationship…
How to Prevent Cheating in Your Relationship
When it comes to cheating, it’s not just the physical stuff that counts. Cheating can be purely sexual, purely romantic, or both sexual and romantic. So if you want to prevent cheating in your relationship, first you and your partner need to be on the same page about what’s cheating and what’s not. Once that’s in place, preventing cheating is kind of like diet and exercise; you probably already know what you should be doing, so it’s more of a question of whether or not you choose to do it.
In short, don’t take your partner for granted. Express your love and care for them often, and continue to deepen your connection as time goes on. Of course you want to feel comfortable around your guy (or gal), but don’t totally let yourself go. Taking caring of you won’t just keep you fetching; it will make every aspect of your life, partner aside, better. And make sure he knows just how much you appreciate him. Say it sincerely and often, and don’t forget to dote on him with the occasional reward or spontaneous gift!
Read more on this: 7 steps for preventing infidelity
Have you had any experiences with cheating? How do you prevent it? Start the conversation–share your thoughts with us below!
I really hate people who are like that –Cheaters. I’ve experienced it and it is really really hard at first, the feeling that i wanted to kill both of them then after that i also wanted to die for it to stop but I’ve realized that i should stay and continue living for my son. They should have think first what’s going to be the outcome of their infidelity. To those people who are torn between two lovers and thinking of doing this, Please stop because it is a SIN. Let us think how our actions will affect us and our loved ones not just in the present but also in the future.
Cheaters- they are very selfish and miserable people. I do get a feeling that a lot can relate to this. I want to ask a cheater why did they do it and i want a HONEST respond. Sometimes, i feel bad for the ones who were left behind because of this kind of unselfish act and behavior. but i also know that because of this kind of happening the people who’re left behind surely will be more braver and stronger.
i think why people cheat is because unhappy people are hard to please and will not get contented even if they’ve already have what they want. When they are in a relationship they will not look on what they’re partners are offering/giving to them but were only looking on what the other can’t give to them. When they met a person whom they think can give their desires and have the qualities they are looking for then cheating will get in the line. Whether it’s lust or for others to confirm their self-worth. Stop asking for more, appreciate what’s in front of you and love the people who are caring for you.
ARE WE STILL CAVE MEN?! Of course not!
But I love the fun facts you gave 🙂 It’s really hard to define reasons for cheating because most cheaters won’t admit or would just give the “I don’t know, I just did!” reason…
Contrary to popular belief, cheating isn’t necessarily about sex. It’s often emotional like under-appreciated by partner or feeling of disconnection. It’s also not necessarily about looks, some cheaters I know did it because of money, power or education.
I used to think that immaturity or lack of experience as primary reason for infidelity. But as I get to know “experienced” and mature people cheat, I realized cheating is because of something else. From my conversations with these people, I can conclude that men (and women) cheat because of natural inferiority complex, ego (the feeling of being important) and emotional disconnection (though this one takes time to discover and it’s really sad and disheartening if this is the reason).
HE SAID: “I cheat because of physical desire of a new partner.”
SHE SAID: “I cheat because of emotional reasons.”
For my part, I really try hard NOT TO CHEAT. If I’m no longer happy, I try to re-evaluate my relationship and then just end it (if needed) before starting a new one. I believe it will make me crazy or paranoid if I cheat… LOL
I know right!!! Cheating makes the cheater paranoid! A cheater would tend to make alibis and excuses which can cause headache, stress and terrible sweating!!! NOT GOOD!
Of course, the most obvious reason for cheating is relationship troubles. But biological factors like hormone levels (porn addiction, maybe) or cultural factors (being a cheater makes you a man) can also be reasons for cheating. I guess simple act of discussing with your partner how “you might handle infidelity” increases your chances of staying together.
I agree with the reasons for cheating this article cited. I personally think that cheating is a “sin” that destroys relationships. And I’ve observed that people who cheat have problems with self-confidence or that they want to prove something. Some also say they’re unhappy, but if “unhappiness” is the reason, then why even stay in your relationship?
I really think that the key to “cheating prevention” is communication. You have to tell your partner what you like and don’t like in your relationship (and your partner needs to do the same). Be open and honest ALL THE TIME!