Have you ever cheated? Been cheated on? Though to my knowledge I haven’t, I did strongly suspect cheating once, and let me tell you, that was the moment that defined the outer limits of my personal crazy! With such strong emotional consequences, it begs the question: why does cheating happen?
Are We Still Cave Men?
Infidelity happens for a multitude of reasons, but the most commonly cited are our cave-man instincts. You know, evolution. Because subconscious biological incentives to cheat exist.
When you get down to our barest subconscious motives, men have an incentive to cheat because it means leaving behind more offspring, and women benefit from cheating by pursuing what evolutionary psychologists call a dual-mating strategy. Basically this means that when a woman is able to get a man to settle down and invest resources in her (but still get action on the side), she is able to maximize both ends of her reproductive strategy (great genes for future babies, plus more resources to help look after them). Not to mention that this strategy also helps her secure a backup in case suitor #1 decides to run off with someone else.
Another fun fact: a literal sperm war (yeah, those little swimmers duke it out!) takes place when a woman has more than one man’s sperm in her uterus. I am not even kidding about this; there are whole books on it.
Cheating While in Love
Surprisingly, cheating isn’t always about escaping an unhappy relationship. Often people who cheat report having a happy or even a very happy marriage. If we’re not just reacting out of biological impulse (I’d like to think by now we’re all at least trying to rise above the lowest common denominator), and we’re also not seeking escape from an unsavory situation, then what’s going on here?
Apparently “love” is a very broad term. We tend to think of love as something that ideally encompasses a great sex life, romance and a healthy amount of attachment all rolled into one package when in fact, each of these motives developed independently of one another. So while it is possible for them to work together, they don’t have to. That’s why you can feel compelled to sleep with lots of people while at the same time truly having romantic feelings for one partner, and feelings of attachment for yet another.
Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?
There is some evidence that the inclination to cheat could be genetic as well. Some men carry one or two copies of a particular gene (the 334 vasopressin allele to be exact). Those who do show signs that often point to infidelity — things like low partner bonding, marital dissatisfaction and even marital crisis.
The problem with this kind of explanation is that a propensity for a behavior can be misconstrued as an excuse when that behavior occurs. So let me be clear: biology isn’t an excuse. After all, we are also genetically predisposed to exclude people outside our group, and this kind of in-group/out-group behavior led to slavery. So obviously genetic/biological does not equal moral!
Commonly Cited Reasons for Cheating
1. “We don’t have anything in common.”
The more different you and your partner are, the more likely one or both of you will cheat.
2. The relationship isn’t going well.
Okay, okay–I know I just said that a lot of times cheating happens in seemingly happy relationships, and that is true. However, being unsatisfied in a relationship increases the likelihood of cheating. In this scenario, women are more likely to cheat in order to establish a new relationship (and escape the old one), whereas men are more likely to cheat for the thrill of the moment without future plans.
3. The cheater’s environment is littered with temptation.
Some situations lend themselves to more temptation than others. Working around attractive people, especially where the male-female ratio is skewed in the cheater’s favor, creates a likely backdrop for cheating. Work that requires lots of one-on-one interaction, touching and/or personal disclosure also makes cheating more likely.
4. They are prone to it.
Sadly it is true that some people are more prone to cheating than others. I mentioned the so-called cheating gene above, but there are other factors that make one person more likely to cheat than another. Sorry guys, but by virtue of your higher levels of testosterone, as males you are more likely to cheat. People who are more open-minded are also more likely to cheat, as they tend to have a more fluid perspective on this and all matters. Finally, people who are less sympathetic, less eager to please and less aware of how their actions impact others (AKA narcissists), are more likely to cheat.
Read more on this: 12 rationalizations that cheaters use
Next up: How to prevent cheating in your relationship…
How to Prevent Cheating in Your Relationship
When it comes to cheating, it’s not just the physical stuff that counts. Cheating can be purely sexual, purely romantic, or both sexual and romantic. So if you want to prevent cheating in your relationship, first you and your partner need to be on the same page about what’s cheating and what’s not. Once that’s in place, preventing cheating is kind of like diet and exercise; you probably already know what you should be doing, so it’s more of a question of whether or not you choose to do it.
In short, don’t take your partner for granted. Express your love and care for them often, and continue to deepen your connection as time goes on. Of course you want to feel comfortable around your guy (or gal), but don’t totally let yourself go. Taking caring of you won’t just keep you fetching; it will make every aspect of your life, partner aside, better. And make sure he knows just how much you appreciate him. Say it sincerely and often, and don’t forget to dote on him with the occasional reward or spontaneous gift!
Read more on this: 7 steps for preventing infidelity
Have you had any experiences with cheating? How do you prevent it? Start the conversation–share your thoughts with us below!
My ex-boyfriend cheated on me, not once, but twice. At first, he said that we’re not on the same page, so I tried to adjust, but still he cheated on me. What a ***hole.
What?! Even a person who is in a happy relationship also cheats? What kind of person is that? Is he/she a b*tch or what?
It’s a good article, it’s not a one-sided article. The writer of this knows that both men and women are capable of cheating in a relationship.
I still don’t get it why people cheat. If you’re not happy, leave!
I like what my pastor said when I asked why some people cheat, his answer was that it’s a matter of habit–how easily one flirts, feel the need to change partners, …
I also think its a matter of mindset. I will never cheat like I will never kill. never.
So, I asked a friend, who has cheated on his partner a lot, why he cheats. And his plain answer was that people look for variations. He said that he’d get bored doing the same things over and over again. Sometimes he needs respite, a little break before he goes back at it again. It’s the same with a relationship.
He used food as an analogy of relationship. He said eating the same food at a given point of time will give you lesser and lesser satisfaction until you get to the point where you simply stop, or wait until your appetite for it goes back up again. And while taking that needed break, why not help yourself with the other dishes?
When I first heard it, I found it to be preposterous. How can you just easily compare food and girlfriend? How can you just compare eating with a relationship? But, the more I thought of it, the more it made sense. Relationship is a continuous process. The couple has to continuously look for things that will keep the spark alive, otherwise it will become dull and boring. We have to understand that having “true love” and being “in love” are two different species of love. While true love is eternal, falling in love is just for a moment.
It is really hard to accept that your loved one cheated on you. The feeling that you’ve given him/her everything and after they did it, you will think if there still a thing you are not able or didn’t managed to give them. When my mama’s in the hospital because she couldn’t take it anymore and she’d given up, my grandpa said to her that she should live for her children FOR US. And because it is really heartbreaking and agonizing, the people who were cheated will eventually learn from it, stand up and get more stronger. This is a real story,our story, i think that if a person you loved the most left you, you should not think that your world’s only revolving on them and you can’t live without them because.. remember you’ve lived for too long even before without them, even before meeting them.
A lot of men said that if they know that they did something that will upset their partners they will just keep their mouth shut just not to hurt their partner, i don’t believe them. I am the kind of person who always value family and relationship. Cheaters might think that when they lose their love at their partners they might found it at other people and be happy. Some are looking for lust, some for money and some because they are not contented. That is just pure selfishness.
Whether you want to cheat or not, it’s still your choice, the effects can be devastating, and the consequences are real. If your partner gave their trust to you, it’s like having a great power in your relationship. And as spidey’s uncle Ben said, “with great power, comes great responsibility”… So in being in a relationship, or even just planning to go into a relationship, ask yourself, are you responsible enough?
I think the driving force behind cheating is, aside from evolution, the satisfaction derived from it. The economics of mating/ dating states that having one or many depends on the cost and benefit derived from it. If having more gf/bf gives more benefits than cost, then it is a feasible undertaking. However, if it’s more costly, then why the heck do it. It all really boils down to what gives us UTILITY (satisfaction). And if everybody is of the same mind, then it might just work. This kind of thinking though is not acceptable in our society, and we are bound by all these social constructs and religious beliefs about monogamy, fidelity, and faithfulness. Unless it’s consensual, I wouldn’t want to be cheated on.